you know, i came to a point where i don't give a hoot if she is going to meet me or not. Cos I guess expectancy brings much sadness only, but if you love, do you not expect. OH PAINS OF LOVE! God it is so much simpler to love you, why is the heart of man so flirtatous and whoreful towards you?

she says she'll go malaysia and be back to meet eet few days back but today she says another thing. Not that I am angry or what? It is just that she called me when i was having prayer meeting hence I can't pick the phone up and when I call back, she hungs the phone. It pisses me so bad! Don't want to deal with it anymore...the cycle has gone thru more than once...I am so wearied by it.

she doesn't like side parting nor she does with eyeliner...so telling her that she can be more beautiful is taboo? I don't get. Fine, i won't compliment anymore. i won't. If I can don't talk to my mom for three months, I can do this ( .\/. );;

talking about my mom, I quarrelled with her big time about her "BIG BABY JAN" you see, my bro waits for gifts to shower upon him or he takes the money and splurges on the things that he wants, not need. And the things he need, where does he get from? ME, ME ME ME...simple things like socks? I need black socks to go to work and he doesn't have the decent sensibiity to buy a pair for himself. One morning I actually wore white socks to work (thank goodness didn't get caught) Jan doesn't know the seriousness. Wait till i take his army socks and wear, see how is he going to report to his field instructor!

all i want from him is acknowledgement, knowing who's things is whose? Ask and you can borrow type of relationship...is it hard? One sad thing is that, he never gets me anything for my birthday, and it hurts each year...for his birthday, I'll get him something for sure! If I am broke, I at least take him out for a movie. But for me...hmph...i don't know what is going on in his head. Selfish shit...God pls take this unhealthy spirit that lurks out in me and banish it into smitters cos I need peace. i don't need all this mundane or superficial squabbles or conversations with anyone of the family. Amen.

i hate quarreling with my mom. you know what...that's it...I'll not take a cent from her ever! I don't want to depend on her, I lead my life and she as her own. I pray that God can improve this relationship between me and her. Cos it sucks big time. It is obvious that Jan is so pampered by her and she jumps into defence...saying this is family, that is family. If it is...I hope she can recall what she did to me back in secondary school. A hell of a memory for me to keep huh...shitty tears! Argh!@!! I hate feeling this way...I want God...I want to be like Moses, wanting God that much till he almost got a cardiac arrest. Hmmm...that is so scary...divine fear I hope.

Today's rehearsal and prayer meeting was the only highlight. It seems that God is disallowing Cec to meet me so that I can meet Him. God, you are real...and truly in control. If so, please guide me correctly to my life partner, cos now it is all quite muddled. I love her but is she the one You have prepared for me? Give me a sign God, let her heal people, rise up as worship leader, proclaim your name like there's no tomorrow...show me a sign God! For you have shown me grace. Thank you Jesus. Love you.

*groans* NS life resumes in 7hrs time

today i slept like a pig till like 12pm just in time for rehearsal at PHQ. For the first time I feel happy going to work because it is afterall theatre work. Didn't go to work in the morning because work in national service is boring and I hate it since day one! But God put me there to mould my patience and gave me an all advice giving supervisor. Her birthday was two days ago and I forgot! Today bought her a birthday card...how pathetic, thought that counts?

today was really weird. Worship by Lai Yien is like carbon copy, should we live our hands because she tells us to? So instructional. Every worship is the same,but to each its own. Perhaps God made her destiny in worship to praise Him like this, for this I give praise to God for her. Altar call today after service was weird also...it feels like my pastor is milking the session to allow more ppl to come to the fornt to be prayed for, but alas, only a small group of ppl. In an instance I thought and prayed God, should have let you right? Not man...He ah milk until the cow got no milk kind, unsatisfactory feeling of response? Not sure.

youth worship practice was long today and it was only three songs...manage only to practise till the second. Bad news for next week...God, we humble our heart to let you have all control...

tom i have rehearsal for Service Excellence Day, going to direct a short play for the Police Quality Branch. A bunch of untrained but eager actors awaits...what should I do...God pls let this talent you have instilled in me to blossom slowly but sure ly tom...In you I believe.

God Bless Cec as always...keep her from stress and harm! Give her more time!!!

this is my new fave anime to watch...BLEACH...cool clothes & cool story line (*_____*)^ 

today I went to the most perculiar place called Sunshine Plaza at Selegie Rd and stmble upon the most intrigueing culture called "Anime Fad" at least three shops were like selling handmade figurines and another selling collectables. Not forgetting, anime cartoon series as well,my favourite however they didn't have what I want cos the owner was away for that moment. Macross Zero was the series I am sourcing for...sigh.

Food was like "WAH" there cos there was this tiny honk kong kopitiam feeling kinda shop selling Dim Sum. A must try the next time I go there. I discover that the more I go out, the more I realise there are things to be explored. I feel dumb staying at home at times, especially the past few weeks. I need fresh air...though i don't have any partner who wish to breath the same air as me well...I'll just do it myself or maybe God will bring me to her.

From today onwards, I will watch Honk Kong Serials myself. A guidline to impose upon myself. A sudden "HATE" for it...not sure why? My mood changes rapidly this few days, but is fair to the people around me? I am not sure and I don't want to deal with it.There is a wanting of company these few days and I'm lack of it...someone that can hang out with me, talk to me and everything.

i still cannot figure out the template for this blog thingy. Usually can edit text and so forth but now is boring one tone text!!! Hiaz...

Today Shiyuan came over today to spend the morning afternoon with me. But me being the restless bloke, slept it through leaving her to eat lunch all by HERSELF? Hmmm, shouldn't but was really tired. Body can actually work against the brain.Thinking of going shop shop later at Far East Plaza. Totally need to change my whole wardrobe, too many small tees that i can't wear. Going to work now...1300hrs...sianz!!! Only one NS boy in the office, cannot let him be alone.

oh yes...I am smitten by sassy girl again...totally *faints* 

today went to the botanical gardens which is quite a disaster. All my cell mates all pulled a long face as they find walking to the garden a total horrid experience. Perhaps it is becos I made a wrong turn by taking a wrong bus...most likely

Christians in Singapore is so taken care of, very blessed with the things needed in a early age hence giving that comfort level. CHildren in Third world country, have nothing. All they have is bare faith and desperation for salvation. Now, if we put them together and cry out for GOd, who will He listen to more? For me I think it'll be THird world one. We really lack of that desperation cos of all the S**** load of crap we take each day from the world with cash, media and corrupted values. God put upon us a DESPERATION for the spirit that will assist us to do wonders for you GOd.

Today after a session of karaoke at K BOX. I heard it again...the song by Sun Yanzi "Wo Bu Nan Guo" Someone put that song in my ears before and it stayed there. Really don't want it to happen ever. Think i'll would really just wait for her...

03. Somewhere I Belong 03:33
When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find/That I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck/Hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own

I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
[Erase all the pain 'til it's gone]
It's gone]
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I Belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere/Only to fin that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the
Way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain/Hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
The fault is my own

I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today

I want to heal
I want to feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong

This was a cool song. Only figured it today. Linkin Park Rocks!!! But Jesus is the ROCKEST!!!

I have being thinking and it is only proper that she should be here...will wait for her...don't really have that kind of feeling with anyone else, hope God bless this union in future...for now...waiting season or rather friendship season (*___*);; 

heya heya...Singapore Idol to be lives down the road to me! Good friend and great company for football... 

i am at Singapore Idol to be's house...David Yeo that is
watching Man U vs Middlesbro but now half time so decided to blog a little
friends are really always there...true ones that is
always opening up their houses, very sincere to help...Thank God for "friendships"
wholesome one of course.
tom my mdm and colleague not reporting for work
hence I think it will be *lax* day tomorrow

suddenly got strange feeling
don't know whether presents will be at my doorstep tom???
(^________^)^

this is my David...always there to give encouragement. She is very interested in the ARTS. Hope God can protect and bless her in this area.And yup...Look what she has in her hand, she loves eating...kekeke 

never thought I could just let go...it has been a week and in four hours time it'll be my birthday. How "wonderful" spending the eve of my brithday alone.

Wish God can be a pal and hang with me downtown.There was a time when all this happened before. The thing about these downs is that they leave you with a revoking after taste in your life.And in this matter, it is about a relationship that went on for two plus years.I want to stop thinking about it but can't. Hope it isn't a curse, but the fact of the matter is that it got off in the wrong foot.Gotten together in my least spiritually strong era.And now God gave me more and telling me to stop, I did.All I did in His command...What He want of me?...I am running away now, like Joseph to Potiphar's wife, I want to run. Dear God, teach me to run please! I'm on my knees. I want a refresh anointing upon my life to burst out from the ashes of sluggard gloom. I need to grow. Give direction Father!

Police days are ending in three months time. It was like yesterday which I will complain non stop about it.Can't wait to start the whole theatre engine working again, though money does come into an issue. I owe Mrs Koh $586 for the Korean trip.You know, she told me that the trip was $1500, never did she say about the tax or anything of surplus.I need to go away for awhile after this, need to find God in all areas.Need to remind myself to pay $$$ of course...sigh...I need a sugar mommy! Or a DIVINE INTERVENTION to let me get my hands on some cash to pay her back. Literally living off with scraps...I am that poor.God if I don't pay you your dues, pls warn me harshly...Cos the thoughts of evil desires arises everytime I thrive in your SPirit.

I thank God for Angela, Mel and Serena. They stood by me when I am at the bottom of the pits. God pls give them portions of blessings which they truly deserves.

I wanna be alone with Him now.Cheerios ( .\/. );;

my bunk mates back in Police Academy days...all dark and handsome...missed the "Tracom Special" wanna know what is it? 

Just watched my sassy girl for the 11th time already I think, maybe more. Cried hard...love is destined...Oh God,where is my Sassy girl??? (^____^); 

my sassy girl...all time fave 

watching "Singapore Idol" waiting for friend Chin Hao to appear. Really hope he goes thru though but my mom and I are rooting for Maia. She got nice cheeks and an adorable child.

today took half day again.Another of this nonsense and I'll have no more leave to go mission trip.I have this stupid thought not to go but I know I just have to. I pray that God will provide me the resources to ship me there. Thailand,watch out for the HOLY SPIRIT! In Jesus name be awed by God. Indeed God works and plans things in His own time, though it is quite a tad bit muddled right now :( dug up some of the past letters she sent me, about some theory that humans enjoy doing things that are wrong, like you know blatantly that it is wrong but still do it. However, how we know what's right and wrong in this world...I put it to God's light and then it comes to pass. Sigh...I'm such evil perhaps in another person's world...different lah

Chin Hao sang well...but the boring judges slammed it, WHAT THE...! David deserves more though I think he can do ballads which suits him or maybe I am wrong.

Hang out with Mel last night, feeling the effects only in the morning but it was great company. Though Jap horror flicks really not up to par with Korean ones liao...sigh...Nihon, Nane a ten no? Gonna catch My Sassy Girl later, maybe it'll show me destiny somehow...ya sure!

There is a grey bear staring right at me
with a "Me to You" sign on it's foot
grey suggests sadness
my grey bear will be in the cupboard soon
don't want to be sad
though I know it'll take a *damn* long time
need some royal chubs to torture...hehehe
cheerios
looking forward to Sunday, able to be with Christian Community again :)

It is time to blog.
It is six days away to my birthday and I did the unthinkable
I chased away the girl whom I promised to love and a girl who will love me for all that I am.
Why??? Ian.
My Dad's death anniversary just passed. Perhaps it is a subconcious memory that locks all my sad moments into this period of time. Never did I really want this to happen but I hear the voice "Let go" a long time ago. I don't want to to cheapen her by being with her now cos we are in such wreck. We stepped into the part of the garden where God says no and now we are paying the price for it.I want to reach for God but can't, and I am doing more harm than good to Cec.
Perhaps it is for the better. She ask me if I want her to forget me...of course I will say no. But then it would be a curse! Perhaps it is a curse to be a guy already.Doing all this without realising the effects it has on the other party.
She is knocking on my door today, and I shut.How painful is that...very very very*

God has a answer to all this fiasco. Giving the notion for the senior pastor to talk about finding destiny and the right partner...THANKS PASTOR TIAK...you make it so wonderful for me...*shit* I'll just listen to God...and it is true enough for me to hear it clear "let go"

maybe in another three years...Yuan will be ready and uplifted by God because she reached it. She deserves better...not me...I'm just a honest puck, who is poor and not realistic.

Relationships are such headaches. It qualifies to love only when expectations are met, when not met, things start happening...sad things. For Cec, she still loves at all odds. There is a huge scar in my heart but in order for God to come in,this must go out first. Lord Jesus, please take me...cleanse me and take me...out of this place.

Sitting with the leaders of youth ministry was a dread last friday. All they can say is please do what is right, break up with her, it is your destiny we are talking about...easy said than done...they don't know the emotional roller-coaster that goes thru before all this. So bring your prophetic theories and ship out...I need listeners than captains...care givers then telling where to get it myself...love is a strange thing. But it is all gone now.

Corinthians 13...failed...drastically
ian and cec lies here in the wake of 290904
abruptly...only He knows the future
He and I have today. Tom is yet to come.

She'll find someone better.

girl in a corner crying
teddy bear on one hand, rubbing her eye with the other
she looked up, showing tearful eyes to her mother
"you have one already"her mom said
her hopes of a new toy surely it fades
they went home though with each other
girl in a corner crying
teddy bear on one hand, holding her mom with the other~ianloy

another day worthy to be forgotten passes
what new day will God bring tomorrow
in Him I will surely trust
in Him nothing is of not certain
praise to Him always

woke up and can't sleep
writing blog
as the time races within the clock
what new day will God bring
as he has the keys to the future and destiny of our locks

i couldn't sleep cos I had minor squabble with Yuan.
looks like it has been a long long time since i have updated.
no more transfer already
staying put at Bedok station for good. And perhaps it is a good thing after all cos I have
a tad bit more time
but yuan says not enough
but I want to try
God must come first naturally then all will fall in place
really it would, i just know
I NEED TO LISTEN TO YUAN
cos she mean well for me. I will have a resolution
that is to sleep 1130pm everynight on the dot...
I would...I really would
to prove to my dear I am serious about her
minor setbacks today cos of Prayer meeting and late dinner but it won't stop
me. yuan, you must give me chance ya
you can have space to be angry but you cannot have space to neglect me kay
or abandon me
really love you a lot though you bicker about my bad habits a lot
for own good. ya

God was exremely real on Sunday
talk to Esther whom thru God's grace came down to church
still her shy nature but lovable
just like the three monkeys i know that live in ubi
Pray that God will help her in all ways to reach the spiritual Father that lives ever and ever