Wednesday, October 27

you know, i came to a point where i don't give a hoot if she is going to meet me or not. Cos I guess expectancy brings much sadness only, but if you love, do you not expect. OH PAINS OF LOVE! God it is so much simpler to love you, why is the heart of man so flirtatous and whoreful towards you?

she says she'll go malaysia and be back to meet eet few days back but today she says another thing. Not that I am angry or what? It is just that she called me when i was having prayer meeting hence I can't pick the phone up and when I call back, she hungs the phone. It pisses me so bad! Don't want to deal with it anymore...the cycle has gone thru more than once...I am so wearied by it.

she doesn't like side parting nor she does with telling her that she can be more beautiful is taboo? I don't get. Fine, i won't compliment anymore. i won't. If I can don't talk to my mom for three months, I can do this ( .\/. );;

talking about my mom, I quarrelled with her big time about her "BIG BABY JAN" you see, my bro waits for gifts to shower upon him or he takes the money and splurges on the things that he wants, not need. And the things he need, where does he get from? ME, ME ME ME...simple things like socks? I need black socks to go to work and he doesn't have the decent sensibiity to buy a pair for himself. One morning I actually wore white socks to work (thank goodness didn't get caught) Jan doesn't know the seriousness. Wait till i take his army socks and wear, see how is he going to report to his field instructor!

all i want from him is acknowledgement, knowing who's things is whose? Ask and you can borrow type of it hard? One sad thing is that, he never gets me anything for my birthday, and it hurts each year...for his birthday, I'll get him something for sure! If I am broke, I at least take him out for a movie. But for me...hmph...i don't know what is going on in his head. Selfish shit...God pls take this unhealthy spirit that lurks out in me and banish it into smitters cos I need peace. i don't need all this mundane or superficial squabbles or conversations with anyone of the family. Amen.

i hate quarreling with my mom. you know what...that's it...I'll not take a cent from her ever! I don't want to depend on her, I lead my life and she as her own. I pray that God can improve this relationship between me and her. Cos it sucks big time. It is obvious that Jan is so pampered by her and she jumps into defence...saying this is family, that is family. If it is...I hope she can recall what she did to me back in secondary school. A hell of a memory for me to keep huh...shitty tears! Argh!@!! I hate feeling this way...I want God...I want to be like Moses, wanting God that much till he almost got a cardiac arrest. Hmmm...that is so scary...divine fear I hope.

Today's rehearsal and prayer meeting was the only highlight. It seems that God is disallowing Cec to meet me so that I can meet Him. God, you are real...and truly in control. If so, please guide me correctly to my life partner, cos now it is all quite muddled. I love her but is she the one You have prepared for me? Give me a sign God, let her heal people, rise up as worship leader, proclaim your name like there's no me a sign God! For you have shown me grace. Thank you Jesus. Love you.

*groans* NS life resumes in 7hrs time

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