Saturday, November 1

Today is stay-in Saturday
Went for SGT course in the morning then came back home to have
a snooze marathon till now.
Receive mail from Luanne. Miss her a lot. All those fun times
in Lasalle-SIA and playing mahjong...i want them all back :(
Not seeing Yuan for awhile. Don't understand how she can take it...perhaps
it is the drive of exam and stuff. I'll just find other things to do.
See lah Ian, never go out with your other friends, now very awkard to call them out right???
Stupid me.

I guess I have to start letting go and not being so commited commited. Not that I don't love Yuan.
I do love her very much but I think I have forsaken my own space for her.
I need to come back to my orgin being. Wah many 'I'
would sound like I'm very "ego"

TRANSFER is within my grasp*
My head of office has given me two weeks to consider my transfer
from now there is one week left
Want to make myself happier really...don't mind going to somewhere nearer to my place
the mornings would be much much better for me

Miss my dear...STOP IT IAN
so whiny!!!
just forget about it and do the rest of the things you want to do always lah
1) Shopping
2) Meeting up with old friends
3) Readings
4) GO to Zoo myself

Maybe I should go there tom. I just like to see animals.

Wednesday, October 15

tom is Service Excellence Day 2003
for the Police Force
oerforming in a musical for them to highlight the
importance of Service Excellence *bored*
Throughout all the rehearsals
I just couldn't concentrate cos of the workload
thinking what my mdm is saying about me behind my back
to SPF I think I am just a number
...very easy to be erase from the rest and replaced by another
this is what my mdm thought me also
besides the many useful things she teaches me

How can you casually say that you want to transfer me???
do you know how haunting is that???
I know I may be average in my job but I know I am good for something but not
in your DAMN BLOODY F**KING office

don't even give me space to think
when you want expect it to be done beautifully and everything isn't like that
though it can
it depends on what kind of mentality you are going forth with

Even me and Yuan don't go really smooth
but squabbles do happen
then constructive building happens between us

But between me and you, MDM
kiss my ASS *(&()&#@$%
feel so much better now.

The same old thing...can't wait till March 2005 (ORD)

Monday, October 13

Today sucks big time.
Total evident that my mdm doesn't trust me.
I told the organisers my predicament in the PNSF dept that I am in
that I have responsibilities which I find it hard to shun
and not sure if my mdm would allow me to go for the
many rehearsals they have scheduled
for me.
Then they have to email my commander then cc to my mdm a nasty mail from
I don't know who.
Quote "SC Cpl Ian Loy expresses fear and doubts over his attendance on the scheduled rehearsals."
Wah lau...who in the right mind would right such a insensitive mail
no tact involved at all.
Feel so lousy. Worst of all...
My mdm says I'll be better off transferred out.
When she said that, the funny thing was
that happiness and sunshine came bustling
into my mind.
I don't mind the transfer as it'll really take the needless pressure off from me.

I miss my dear
very very much.
She gotten her driving licence already
better get mine soon otherwise I'll lose out
but I won't
Singapore transport system is already so good. Who knows
in future, no cars are to be on the road.
Love you dear.
Can't wait till the next time i see you

Church has been delightful lately
don't know why
maybe God is trying to get me back but I'm still at halt
(*_*) bothers!

Friday, September 26

wooo...longtime since I've blogged
anyway I'm in this MUSICAL now
for this coming Service Excellence Day happening in Oct
got chosen for a role.
Happy enough as it is the closest thing to theatre which I miss a lot.
Don't really like musical though it is still a form of art,
not my art but can learn lots from it.

17th of September passed not long ago
it has been one year since enlistment...woohoo!!!
another one and half year to go, actually one year and five months.
Please end fast...I have so much catching up to do as all my
friends are flying with the wind and I'm stuck in a can. ARGH!@$%&

just came out from bath, so refreshing
Tomorrow starts another boring day
will there be something to look forward to?
will perhaps some dinner my god sis parents will whip up
if I have the luck that is
anyways you know civil servants are always prone to be affected by whatever is
pro-people, hence they actually involved us the Police National Service people to join this
run at Bukit Timah Hill...and make it as if it is a game? Sigh, and all for promoting health...
Once a month or suggestion isn't enough to pink up your health, MR COMMANDER!
Oh goodness. Hope no FBI or ISD is looking thru this. Anyway I'm speaking through the
bottom of my heart.
They'll need a program straighten out each week, in order to have a concious healthy living...bleh
want to vomit liao...

I just want to finish and pack up.

Saturday, August 23

selection sucked...
better stick to what God has given me and not
what I want to do for the fun of it.
Jack of all trades but master of one
Sleeping time...Zzzzz

Thursday, August 21

Going for badminton selection tomorrow
quite excited actually
but a bit of a down mood today as I heard that
one of my close friends gotten Shell-Nac scholarship from NAC
I know i should be happy for her but I felt that I can excel in that area too
I'm wasting my two years in NS really
just doing my duty for the nation i guess
just can't escape
better read more to improve my theory on theatre so
that I can burst all out when I'm out of
the cage.
Lost my certificate stating my scholarship in 2001's fine...I'll just ask from them again, if not I'll work doubly hard again
to improve my craft.
Going Sentosa for Real Run Nike
before that staying with Yuan's family at shangri-la
can't wait, though I have to run 10km
better run my best...the faster I run...the faster I get to spend time with Yuan.
These past days has been tough
jog and exercise to get the excess weight off my tummy.
I have to continue
I have too
I must
where are you???
I need a driving license soon
my shorty friend had one already and she drove me home
so embarrassing. Well good and happy for her.
Hope I can take my test together with yuan, though
she already signed up due to a saboh
by RINA...
If you RINA, reading this...I WANT TO BOX YOU!!!
heh...kidding lah
Oyasumi (^_^)^

Thursday, August 14

Tomorrow's IPPT is cancelled
sigh...have to report to station early to inform the officers...what a bother!
Got a hell of a tan with Yuan and Sunday
though we did squabble a little
made her cry and stuff
cos I told her about going over to rox's place for dinner and such
I too told her that me and rox are just best of buds
I understand why Yuan is upset
because I have to tell her before hand and not after
she too felt a tad bit lonely as CS is in aussie land
she can't share woes regarding me with anyone.
I feel terrible
I have bullied my partner
but I really love her
I'll just have to listen more I guess
need more communication.
Very Zzzzz...(@_@) _
need to crawl to bed
another day continue to bicker on here.
Goodnight my fellow monkeys

Sunday, August 3

Evening already...
well it is a whole new experience not to care about anything or anyone today
felt a tad bit empty but at least there isn't anxiety
lying to myself again
maybe we won't even talk to each other anymore
perhaps that will solve the problems we have altogether
i don't know why things have to become like this.
Everything was fine...just because you don't like something, the whole world must be in it with you
just do it with your own effort and be happy (.\/.) or say it out...don't follow and regret, grumbling don't solve anything.
Sigh...what did I do???
What is a soulmate?
where can it be found?
How can it complete me?
Maybe the answer can never be found till...
I still not sure what have done
perhaps this is better for both of us
some breathing space
maybe this is a start for more quarrels to come
stupid quarrels that is
hate it hate it hate it
silence is really golden...f**k it!
Another Sunday to stay at home.
and this time because of Macdonald's
as simple as that
Maybe her mom is right that it'll be dificult for both us.
Happiness is hard to find already.
don't really know what lies ahead of us if this continues.
what am I going to do today?
don't feel like doing anything also
just sleep thru my sunday
anyway I'm quite used to it already
or should I meet up with some friends...
hmmm...nah...stay at home
I guess I can live with this silence for awhile
tomorrow August workload comes
my mdm is still the same.
Gotten my SAR two days ago.
It's something like a report card which I need to fill it myself first
hope I can get a good grade, then again...
I'm only there cause it is a have to
do what you DEEM fit thinks it'll make you happy
who cares who oppose your idea of happiness...just do!
of course must be of positive category.
Maybe this will be my last blog.
forget it

Friday, August 1

(6_^) not so great today
feeling damn sleepy whole week long.
My mom's birthday today, or rather yesterday
but only getting her something this weekend
sharing present with cecilia
she don't find the need to talk to someone if she doesn't feel like it
hmmm...okay...fair enough
not pushing anything also
that's her, nothing got to do with me.
She can do whatever as long as her world is intact
and there is a smile on her face
nothing really matters
Lots of redundant work tomorrow as usual

Friday, July 25

have to wait that long just to see my dear...argh!
Listening to chopin now. One of my fave pianist though most favourite is of course the one who plays
occasionally for me (^_^)
Feel sleepy but don't wish to sleep
work awaits me tomorrow at my desk
I want them to all go away hence need to get all of them done
by this week that is.
My mom's birthday is coming
but I am as broke as can be
what am I going to do...have "dough" coming in on the 29th
so not all that bad.
Suppose to meet up with some of my friends today but in the end
all couldn't make it.
I wonder when Faith will be coming back
Miss her...and she says that she is more than willing to have me over to work for her.
Hope I could be up to the task.
I am getting rusty in theatre practice sigh!
Need to polish up as soon as NS nightmare is over.
where is dear today?
watching Bachelorette...maybe she wants to be one
fine. No qualms
I'll shut up now
Goodnight world

Thursday, July 24

A boy tried all means and ways to convince his parents to buy this toy which he has set his eyes on.
He also managed to be thrifty and saved enough just to prove his eagerness.
And finally he bought it. He treasured it and loved it. He gave all attention to it that everything was
just its background.
As years passby...the toy stood on the shelf
the eagerness that was on it grew up and set his sights on others.
dust settles slowly on the toy
soon forgotten.
As more years passby, the eager boy turned grey
grey in age that is.
He looked into the box which he kept his past
found something familiar
the toy which he loved. He regret and wept.
Why did he grew up?
I don't want to grow up cos I always want to love the toy.
It's that feeling of being with it lost but rekindled,
however too late
I really wish I won't grow up.
Peter Pan I can be?

YAWN! Sleepy...I'll turn in now

Monday, July 21

:( Made my dear cry again
all I want to do is to be with her
though maybe I have thought of isn't
really meant for it to be.
Apologised to her...
Told her about clothes that will look good on her. Insult or
compliment? She doesn't like it
I need to be empathatic, otherwise she'll be hurt again.
Always feel sad when she crys. But after she crys, she smiles again.
I'm confused by her sometimes.
Next week busy week. So many things to do and tuesday got volleyball tournament
which I don't think my ma'm would let me go. Hence
I have decided that I shall stay in office to do
work and more work...sigh
Argh! In two weeks my MOM's birthday
what the heck am I going to get her?
Last year I bought her cake and celebrated for her
so this year?

Sunday, July 20

It'll take forever for my dear to write her journal
sometimes I just want to know how she feels about certain things
today was was as usual...really dreading monday to come
my dear brought me all the way to pasir ris today.
There was a whole lot of commotion going on as fire engine was everywhere
people were in herds staring up at the building as if someone is attempting to
commit suicide.
Then next thing I knew, Yuan brought me to Rina's house.
The parents were great except for the father who was a tad bit quiet
but the mother was really chatty.
Yuan's friends are really special as she herself is.
Hope she treasures them all.

Monday, July 14

My dear hasn't update
well then I have to take the initiative
love is a curious thing
an adventure
it is definately more than a fling
cause it'll bring you up to an overture
My TOOT GIRLFRIENDlove her much
though all the fights and feisty encounters + petty issues
Comic Gallery at Alujunied.
My new hang out place
filled with loads of manga anime and movies and magazines
brought Cecilia there...bored as usual
don't expect her to read manga but at least she knows what my interest are
Sunday wasn't black cos my dear brightened it up so much for me!

Monday, July 7

Love labour lost's dying...slowly
lost conversation which had life,
meaning which lost its orgin
my will cut by a knife
a knife of nothingness, no care, no topic, just dead.
trying all dictionaries in the world to decipher
this feeling.
Perhaps the word "gone"
Ignorant of everything at last
just live for a better tomorrow alone
with a hung up phone
conversation more more more contact
world of greyish tinge that embodies the swollen heart
the left part walked left...the right part walked right
painful sight
just like a loose kite,
no where to go
but lost.
Hate it...what am I doing? What are you doing?

Sunday, July 6

yup...should have guessed...another lousy Sunday
all because I seem harsh in my words to Cecilia.
I have decided
I'm staying at home for future Sundays...cos I hate Sundays
think it's meant to be like that.
had enough
so tired
don't want another Sunday to be like that
wasting a day is so depressing.
Wanted to call a friend to talk but she is with Mr Sailor...all the best to her
though Yuan still hates the sights of her, even the mention of her name
Slept through today.
Felt quite refreshed
Have to face this week again...without much love and care
I don't think I want to care anymore
or maybe I didn't at the first place
I know she is angry at me cos I have misunderstood her
but it didn't seem that way for me
she ask me to go chom chom
after a fiasco like that
what's going through her head?
I can't get angry at her
when I look at her I smile
she can make me smile anytime but
when I am alone
all gloom comes back to me.
Tomorrow I am going to rehearsal.
Hope God can grant my flair and love for theatre to be back in my arms again
Today I declare
all my Sundays to be BLACK.
I'm is everybody
hate this feeling.

Thursday, July 3

I'm sleeping soon
Today was one of the better days
Mdm, only lectured me on certain things
and how I should think more logically
which I find it really hard
Meeting dear tom.
We will be eating at the Nasi lemak place
haven't tried it...perhaps it will taste really good...who knows
Argh! So sleeping...snoozing out
Hope tomorrow will be a better day
usual story...

Monday, June 30

Watched Charlie's Angel by myself today
and boy! ALL OF THEM LOOK SO GOOD...especially
Lucy Liu, she was a fox...arrr!
Office was okay but Mdm is still stress with me and my colleage. Perhaps the reason being us so daf, yep
that could be really it.
Enough of Yuan...not going to mention her in my blog
I guess blogging comes from your heart, I write what I if you are reading this
perhaps you should turn away : P
Luanne is flying off to Kangaroo Land for a whole three years
all those golden years in La-salle
I guess she is really growing in person and this trip might help her do even more growing.
I wonder when is my turn...though I really don't want to leave Singapore cos of
obvious reasons.
Yuan is not free tom. I should watch another movie but...alone or with whom...hehehe
I love you dear...won't do anything to disappoint you
SHIT! I mention her again...F**K it...bye

Sunday, June 29

Today is black Sunday...don't know what misunderstandings I have with Yuan, but I was really pining to see her this morning.
She said that she don't know what I want. Well, I won't blame her...I'm so silly about everything.
A wasted morning. Now is 2pm. Usually will be at her house right beside her.
I shouldn't have thoughts to see her, but I was missing her. F**k, i don't know what to do. Staying at home sucks.
I'm silly...things are getting worst so it seems...are we nearing to an episode?
I'm talking nonsense
I'll just let this Sunday passby me then
But I know things are going to be really different from this somehow.
In life there are many should's and if's, it is a matter of anticipating it or doing it.
This time...I didn't do anything
I should have gone to Changi or it should have been I shouldn't have gone to here house and waited for...
No use crying over spilled milk...hurt and events have already been done
Too late to chase shadows.

Saturday, June 28

it's been days since the last I wrote. Cannot...I must be regular in writing or else there is no place
for me to speak out. Though I don't look like a person who keeps things in my heart but I do. Don't know
why. Maybe perhaps I am afraid of the consequences becoming after I have let everything in my heart exposed.
Will see how it goes...usually I say everything...share everything, but coming on to age, things starts to get
stubborn. Hate it!
The Sentosa trip few days ago was okay. Had minor squabbles with Yuan, well petty issues again. My fault.
Mrs Koh's students were much alive and enthusiastic about everything...I guess I have really gone old. The spirit is willing but the body refuses to budge.

Today, I knocked off at seven plus. Yep, my Mdm is back and with much pressure then ever before. My office sucks.

Sunday, June 22

Argh...burning cd isn't as easy as it seems to be, wasted another cd. Not that I want to but I'm just
computer illiterate at times.
KBOX was the highlight today. Went with Yuan and her was the very first time I heard so many words coming out of her dad.
Was surprising and interesting at the same time as I was sitting audience with the rest of the family while we hear him sing.
I guess he was hit by the "Karaoke" bug that bit the many singing fanatics years ago. Well, better late than never.
Have to go work tomorrow...sigh...have to get rid of problems in my office.
Going back to work is like exorcising demons which I got rid long ago in drama academy. I hope God can grant me strength to get through it day by day :(
Just sitting thinking bout the amount of work I have is killing me. Why am I thinking of work that isn't mine...I need help...I think I am
going on overdrive soon.
Haven't packed my bag...will pack tomorrow morning I NS life is meaningless
No wonder some resort to suicide.

Sentosa trip is on tuesday, looking forward to it above everything else. Can see my dear, smell her and hug her!
Going to sleep now...
Unhappy Monday starts, NO must face it with a sly smile :>

Saturday, June 21

I woke up after a long night of work that was filled with excitement and intrigue.
Went to parts of Geylang which I have never seen before, to catch girls who are solicitating
on the streets. Some of them are as young as yuan. Most of them too are pretty and deserves sympathy as a percentage
of them were cheated here. A promised education but a world of vice was put upon them...sigh
Came home at 5. It was exciting night, not like my office and I've learnt a lot too.

My dear didn't journey to my house to wake me up...tad bit disappointed. She said that she wants to try the new line and I thought she would
want to ask me to take it together with her! But no, I guess she was all excited about taking the train and forgot about my existence in her life for awhile.
I must not be petty, ya. Ian, you can't!

Wednesday, June 18

didn't manage to get the transfer but did express my unhappiness...
even if I got the transfer, she is so going to make my end days HELL,sigh!
dear God, the maker of time...pls make these two years of national service to end quickly
and smoothly.
I need to go slow...I guess I'm to rash at times when doing work...well I don't know how I'm going to do it but
I think it'll be after several mental beatings by my mdm then...only then I'll learn.
Miss my dear...miss her so much
Only her photo beside my computer gives me comfort to get thru bad times easier.
I love you dear

Tuesday, June 17

I admit that I am slow but that's the way I am...hence I found something I am good at...
why people don't understand?
So what if the camera is neglected??? BUY A NEW ONE LAH...argh! Why life is so difficult?
It isn't...I'll just work as a waiter anywhere anytime...MACDONALD's sound nice
kidding...THEATRE...I want it very badly
In NS...there is no expression...colours in system captive

Monday, June 16

she is very am I
Could understand how she feels but very difficult for me as an onlooker to feel it first hand.
Things are crashing down on her, wish I could do something.
only thing I did and can do is be with her and encourage her.
I watched "my sassy girl" with her...what a good movie and we enjoyed it!
If only life was as simple as the movies. Apparently not, as movies are not affected by the toils of time,
which is quite impossible to happen within a two hour show.
Mrs Koh blamed Yuan for taking peanuts...but SHE DIDN'T
Only later did she realise that she blamed wrongly. TOO LATE!!! HURT HAS BEEN DONE!!!
Don't Mrs Koh have empathy??? Sigh...maybe she has lots to handle as she has four girls.
Feel so hurt together with Yuan...I know how that feels cos I was in the same predicament before.
Parents...what a let down sometimes!
Tom my dear is writing appeal, hope someone in NUS sees her application and accepts her. She is really bright...really...I know!

Thursday, June 12

Came home when I didn't want to again.
Don't know why in the world
I like to punish myself.
Do I really ask her to do the things that she doesn't want to do
or she isn't doing the things that she is supposed to do which I think she should but she doesn't.
Is all this necessary??? Don't think so...feel like a kid venting his tantrums...sigh
She cut her hair and I paid for it...willing of course. She look so gorgeous after that and it cost only $10
not like the Toni and his guy's but no standard, perhaps because it is a trainee.
I think me and her are in training period. Good in the sense at least we know how we work and try to work round obstacles,
bad in the sense we have to feel shitty in the present. BLEH!
Today's sushi was WOW! Love every moment of it though because it was delicious but no stomach space to fill it all up.
My dear seem to eat more than me, but really I ate more cos I ordered the unagi...and I finished that dish first.
If my dear is reading this, I LOVE YOU ya though I do throw unnecessary tantums and comments to you when I feel
lonely...just ignore me. Ultimately I still crave to hold your hand, fondle your hair and smell your tanned skin.
Ooops...this is almost an e-mail...enough
I'll say only true thoughts here and it is.
Tom there is work part 2 at the station...sigh
Heard from news CIVIL SERVANTS are getting their Saturday's off..WOO

Tuesday, June 10

So much work today and it was only part one!
Tom continue...when will it end, just when.
My mime teacher called me today and invited me to her showcase
in august but I guess I have to turn it down as my time is as uncertain as the waves of the sea...pooh
ian,trying to be poetic, what a laugh!
But it was heartwarming to receive a call like that from my mentor of my craft.
Hope I can visit one her sessions soon.
Dear's results not out vexing...feel so nervous for her
Using the last of my strength to do this tired
New Intake came in today.
Was quite happy cos it means another 6 more intakes and I'm out of the hell hole.
Just got back from Yuan's house
and her results are still not out. Getting worried for her though I know I'll stand by her no matter
the outcome.
Haven't been in contact with my previous friends
maybe they'll all forget about me in due time to come...sigh
and then I have myself and GOD?
Really angry at the person who cause me all this hurt and skeptism about Christians,but at least I know when man fails
GOD prevails!
Was really comfortable lying beside my half resting...could just shut off straight away
miss her already.
My brother? My mother?
Another mystery is yet to unfold...stay tune till next blog :0

Saturday, June 7

Better do my blog before the day ends.
My dear tried things with my blog but failed...hope she can whip something up soon,
cos I think she did a good job with hers.
Her results are coming out...feel really scared for her
Don't wish for her to take it again cos I retook both my major exams before and I know how it feels
I'll pray for her... ... ... ... ...okay, all the best tom for her
miss her much again. Love her intensely though
WORK is piling on me again.
There is new intake of officers coming again
Feel really sad for them
seems like they are "puppets" doing what they don't like
I need to be positive...


I want out of this...when will my NS many more days to 16 March 2005?

Wednesday, June 4

Doc says I'll be fine
what the heck...wish he said otherwise!
though I know I'm escaping
but it is a much needed rest.
There's mountain of work waiting for me
and a weekend to look forward to behind it.
I want to see dear yuan,
miss her so much.
Don't like tiffs...don't like it very much
It's sunny out there but can't go swim...tanned skin
go bye bye
National service = time serving
I escape education hard enough to find what I excel in
and now the system caught up with me.
Oh well...I have love...and love never fails...
thank you
shiyuan :)
So sleeping...and here I am adding on my blog...
wanted to excercise but I guess I couldn't
cos I'm on medication.
Watching this new anime that I rented
"Prince of Tennis"
quite interesting...a 12yr old beating the hell out of everybody in tennis
lame plot but entertaining.
Doc says I'll be fine
what the heck...wish he said otherwise!
though I know I'm escaping
but it is a much needed rest.
There's mountain of work waiting for me
and a weekend to look forward to behind it.
I want to see dear yuan,
miss her so much.
Don't like tiffs...don't like it very much
It's sunny out there but can't go swim...tanned skin
go bye bye
National service = time serving
I escape education hard enough to find what I excel in
and now the system caught up with me.
Oh well...I have love...and love never fails...
thank you
shiyuan :)